The Block

As the blank page stares back at me, I'm reminded of how many times I have attempted to write a post in the last month.  And it has, in fact been a month since I've published something.  Anything.  It is incredibly frustrating to have so much to say, yet when I sit down to write nothing comes out.  The blank page mocks me.

10 drafts disdainfully greeted me as I opened my blog page tonight.  If you are a writer, I know you can relate.  One day passes, then the next.  Each day the intention to write is there, yet the block sets in. In the old days I would have been surrounded by crumpled pages torn from the typewriter in frustration and cast toward the trash can. Discarded thoughts and words.  Meanwhile the blank page mocks.  I suppose I can take some solace in the modern method of writing where the "delete" button can come into play.  Although, as I recall there was a bit of satisfaction drawn from the violent act of ripping and crumpling the tangible paper.

I am determined this will not turn into another expendable draft.

I know what is causing my block. My life is changing. Everything has already changed.  I want to write about it all, and I will....in due time.  Now is not the time.  So on some level, I have allowed this to limit me.

As a woman, my first inclination is to reach out. Spill my guts. Talk to other women who are going through, or have gone through, similar life changes.  Additionally (and this may be my ego speaking), I'm certain my story could help others.  Even if I could help one person it would be meaningful to me.  We all struggle in life.  Ultimately we are never really alone.

A day in the life for me today brought me back to gratitude.  I spent some quality time with my children.  Time that is precious, as they are growing up so quickly.  My daughter will graduate from high school in a little over two months.  She will spend the summer as a camp counselor in Michigan, then will begin college in September.  My son will spend an extended time at the same camp this summer.  I spent the evening with them and enjoyed every minute.  Time is precious.  Life is short.

Some good advice I was given recently;  Relax....just take time and let things unfold.  I'm learning to be quiet and listen, and take the wisdom that is given to me by the people in my life I care about.  Progress, not perfection.

Little things are what matter the most.  Laughter.  Writing. Living.  Growing.  And, perhaps a little cycling.  More tomorrow....

Thoughts From the Trainer

It is snowing.  Again.  It seems the ground has been covered with a thick coat of white for months.  Accompanying the snow has been frigid air.  In a word, brutal.

It is Friday night, and I am on the trainer.  My plans for the evening had not originally included riding my bike.  I rode (on the trainer) this morning, and practiced yoga. I had been anticipating a lovely evening out. However, the "dusting" of snow which had been forecasted was slowly progressing into another five inches of the "lovely" white substance, putting a firm wrench into my plans. Another layer upon several previous layers of snow was piling up. The road conditions were terrible. I was bitterly disappointed to cancel, as I had looked forward to this evening all week.  

Perched in the saddle of my bike is typically my happy place. However, riding indoors has gotten tedious.  The bike, attached to the bright green trainer, has become the proverbial Road to Nowhere.  I sometimes have to laugh at how ironic it is to pedal furiously, yet literally not propel forward. Stuck at the starting line.  I repeat this process every day.  Crazy?  Perhaps, but the training will make me stronger which will translate to better riding this spring.  Soon...

My recent trip to Puerto Rico, and the 375 mile endurance ride in the hot climate, spoiled me.  It was a wonderful reprieve to ride for four days in the sunshine, no trainer in sight.  Several posts to come about this trip, which was the experience of a lifetime, to come.  They are in the works, so stay tuned.

Since returning to Indiana, we have suffered winter's wrath.  The powers that be are labeling this winter "the second snowiest on record".  Snow, which is so beautiful and peaceful, is not being enjoyed by anyone, especially the cyclists I know.  Even my kids, who enjoyed numerous snow days, are growing weary.

I've cursed the giant snow piles, scattered about town.  Including the 7ft tall pile in front of my house.  A few more turns of the snow plow on the cul-de-sac and the pile will dwarf the house itself.

As I settle into my intervals, my thoughts swirl.  I begin to laugh at the imagery of an adult woman silently cursing snow piles in the grocery store parking lot. It is rather silly. When I think of  all the serious things going on in my life and in the world, in the grand scheme of things a giant snow mound is quite insignificant.  Of course I would much rather be riding outside with the miles stretching behind me in the sunshine.  But today I still get to ride my bike. It is a privilege I embrace, even if it's on the trainer.  I'm healthy and lucky enough to be able to do so.

I mentally switched gears and instead of lamenting the snow and the fact that I was stuck indoors, I turned my thoughts to a more positive approach and took time to appreciate the positive things going on in my life.  I have some pretty amazing people surrounding me.  I'm healthy, and I'm growing spiritually and as an individual. Spring will come soon enough.

As my mind calmed, I let my legs spin and I wound down the ride with a smile on my face.  

I glanced outside at the snow covered street to see my lovely daughter shoveling the driveway (she must have gone outside while I was finishing on my rant-filled ride).  This, of course further softened my mood, and drew my attention to her beauty, as well as the serenity of the snow.  She had taken Frank, the dog outside with her, and he was unabashedly dashing around the snow, which added laughter to the scene.  I was immediately grateful

I am reminded that it is mid February and there are just a few weeks left in winter.  Spring is approaching, and I am looking forward to the day where I can pick up my green trainer, and unceremoniously place it in the storage closet in the basement where it will (hopefully) remain until December.

For now, and until the snow melts and the spring flowers begin to bloom, I will happily ride my bike.  It will be on the trainer, but soon....outside in the sunshine.

Peace, Out
xoxo

The Quest

I talk about facing my fears in this blog. It is my daily struggle for progression in life. I was asked by someone close to me today if I thought it ironic that I write about "fear no more".... yet am still full of fear.  No.  I don't find it ironic.  However, this idea gave me food for thought.  I love writing, and this blog is my outlet.  I'm not discouraged to discover new fears crop up, but rather inspired by them.  Progress, not perfection.  That's what this phase of my path is all about to me.  I've awakened recently and discovered that I like me.  With all my faults.  I can't hide from the world, but rather I must embrace it.  There is no other way for me to move forward and gain strength then to walk through my fears with an open heart and mind.  To stagnate is to die.  And I want to live.

It inspires me, and fills me with hope to hear feedback from readers that in some way, this blog has touched them, as they have similar struggles. Let's be honest.  Fear is a force.  But only if we let it get to that point.  If my fumbles can help even one, then it's worth it to write honestly in this forum.  Spiritual journaling with a purpose.  Sure, it might come back and bite me on the ass, but I'll take that chance.

The key component to me is putting it out there.  So what if something comes down the road that I struggle with.  It's called Life.  Shit happens, as they say.  It's what we do with the shit that matters.  Sit in it or step out of it.  To me, it's a simple choice.  Move on.

That being said, I want to expound upon my fear du jour.  It may sound silly, but with the serious things going on right now in my life, I want to write a light hearted piece.

For me,  I think one of a woman's most dreaded obstacles in life isn't boyfriend or work struggles....but rather shopping for jeans.

Jeans are a staple in our wardrobe.  They can be dressed up, dressed down, worn to the point of being held together by a mere string of fabric, patched, faded and loved.  Like a relationship, our love affair with our jeans goes through many stages.  Love, hate, anger when the zipper won't zip and elation when we can fit back into our "skinny" jeans or when our "boyfriend" jeans feel as if we are comfortably ensconced in sweat pants.

Then comes the sad day when your favorite pair of jeans are just not fit for public display.

At this point, it becomes necessary to shop for a new pair. Second only to bathing suit shopping, it can be painful. It can be likened to dating.  We get dressed up, go out, try several on and nothing fits just like they should.  The mini try-on sessions just don't feel right. Frustration sets in.  We just want the perfect match.  Is that asking too much?  It's all about putting the jeans on and having that "ahhhhh" moment and you just know you've found them. Like anything in life, it takes time and patience.

After the perfect pair is found, the honeymoon phase sets in.  We want to wear them all the time.  With heels, with sneakers, with sequin tops or with a sweatshirt.  Never ending fun combinations and happiness.  When we look good in our jeans, we feel that we can conquer the world.

With time, the jeans grow more comfortable.  They seems to mold with our body, forming just the right fit.  They soften, fade and become more dear.

Facing the fear, letting it go, processing a new situation and giving it time to grow.  In time, almost everything becomes like the perfect pair of jeans.  Comfortable, easy and just right.  Given a little effort, love and patience.

If you need me, I will be shopping fearlessly for a new pair of jeans.
Peace,
xoxo

Standing at the Turning Point

Here I am, yet again. The turning point. A position I've found myself numerous times during the past several years.  My toes are poised on the edge of the jump zone, the cliff if you will...yet an unseen force is holding me back. My arms are outstretched with hope...yet I remain frozen in fear. What the hell am I really afraid of?  Success?  Happiness?  Living my dreams?  What really is to fear in these options?

Realistically, there is nothing to fear.  There is only potential fulfillment in the path of happy destiny.  Yet, up until today I've chosen the path of least resistance. If I were to be brutally honest, I've been making this choice my entire life.  Don't ruffle any feathers....don't upset the apple cart...keep everyone happy.  My M.O.D. has been to be the good girl.  The one who smoothes things over.

It's time for me to break out of the shackles.  Here I find myself back on the edge of the cliff.

For my loyal readers...this is not a surprise.  I've been here for some time now.  The girl who cried "wolf!!" has seemed ready to move forward, then as she is about to make her move she falls back yet again. Those who know me well are holding their breath...expecting me to jump...yet here I have remained.  There is egotism there. What will people think?  If the caterpillar becomes the butterfly?  Change.... In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter who I please.  It matters that my actions reflect my own next right action.  To do "the next right thing." For myself.  Ultimately, if I am not acting in my own interests, what the hell am I doing?  Who's life am I really living if I care only about what others might think, or how my actions might impact others while thinking nothing of myself?

The cliff has seemed to be a safe haven.  Yet at the same time a stagnant place.  The strength within me yearns to leap into the unknown freedom, and meanwhile the fear keeps it's stronghold.  Deep rooted, as my feet seem to be in the rocky ground of the cliff.

Pain, frustration, stunted growth.  This is where I have sat, almost comfortably.  Just existing.  Allowing life to flourish around me, yet not completely free to join in myself.

For a year now I've been writing about facing my fears.  Through baby steps, similar to my athletic training, I've gotten stronger.  Comfortable in my own skin.

To thine own self be true.  Live honestly, nobly and remain open and in complete willingness to embrace life's challenges.  This is the only way I can grow.

Fear No More...

Cityscape

I love being in the city.  Any city.  Each has it's own unique character.  The people, the noise, the culture, the food, the adventure.  Cities breathe on their own and excitement streams through the streets.  Anything I can imagine at any hour of the day is at my fingertips. The ebb and flow; the darkness and light. Cityscape.

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things". ~Robert Brault

For me, that means to seize every opportunity. Be true to myself in all that I do, which means be open, honest and willing.  Every minute has the potential to be a "big moment". At this point in time, happiness comes from being with the people that encircle me in this city.

As I stroll, I hear the countless footsteps of the pedestrians surrounding me. Like a swirling sea, the throng seems to pick me up and carry me down the gritty sidewalk with purpose. The countless sounds, the life blood of the city, pulse in my ears. Car horns, tires screeching, the voices of people filled with laughter, chatter, shouting and whispers join with the shrill sound of the policeman's whistle as he guides us across the street and on our way to various destinations.

I stop at a small cafe' for coffee and select a table outside where I can watch the madness. I revel in it; the hustle and bustle. I can choose to be part of the act or completely separate from it. I order my favorite, Americano with cinnamon powder.  Time to people watch.  I open my laptop and button up my coat a little further against the chill in the autumn air. The sun is shining brightly, which warms my face, and I adjust my sunglasses. There is not a cloud in the sky, which is bright blue peeking out from atop the sky scrapers.

Sipping my coffee, my gaze surveys the scene. I could sit here and simply watch people all day.  The characters come to life in my mind as I speculate on what makes them tick. A young mother pushing a stroller, the homeless man begging for change while well dressed bankers hurry past on their way to be important in their jobs. A beautiful couple walks by slowly holding hands, not speaking but occasionally glancing lovingly at the other. The vast difference between the faces of the crowd fascinate me.  Human nature on display in the natural flow of their day. I find serenity here, as easily as I might on a quiet beach or mountain trail. I am one in a million and that allows me freedom.  Freedom to write.  Freedom to be me.

Happiness and tranquility are mine for the taking, if I choose to find them.  And today I'm finding them in the cityscape.

Peace, out
xoxo

The Visit

The highway stretches endlessly in front of me. The trees, stripped of their leaves, appear ominous and sculpture-like against the gray overcast sky. Thanksgiving is in two weeks and winter is approaching. Winter is my least favorite of the four seasons. I prefer the heat.  I'm much happier with the sun shining on my face from a bright blue sky with water droplets glistening on my skin after a swim.  Less clothing, more hours of daylight and more time to be outside indulging in my habitual biking and running.

The miles pass slowly, seemingly in time with the gloomy horizon. 

This trip is a pivotal one for our family. We are on our way north from Indianapolis to Livonia, Michigan for a college visit.  Both kids are along for the ride and laughter fills the car.

My daughter is a senior in high school and will graduate in May. I have admittedly been in denial about the fact that she is growing up. (Thus aging me!) As the hours tick by in the five hour drive,  my thoughts drift back to my own college visits when I was 18.  (I will keep the number of years that have evaporated since then a relative mystery.)  Needless to say it was just slightly longer than 18 years. As often is the case with my creative mind, I linger over thoughts and dreams from that part of my life.  I reminisce various life choices I have made and indulge in daydreams of  how my life might look had I done some things differently. I am thankful I possess an active imagination, as it serves a purpose in my writing endeavors.  A small dabble in fantasy.  After some time I snap back to reality and take some time to appreciate the way things turned out.  I look in the rear view mirror at the two faces that are perfect illustrations of my choices. Nick and Kendall.  Gratitude envelopes me in its embrace.

The obligatory selfie. More laughter erupts.

The kids are living testament to the fact that I wouldn't want to go back and alter my past, even if I could. And to lament my past  is something I can't afford to do.  Even in day dreams. No regrets! The decisions made are rooted in who I am today and I wouldn't change that. My feet are firmly planted in the now and it's my moves from here on out that will alter my future.  

The visit went extremely well, and put all of us at ease.

The college was picturesque and rather small.  It would not have been a school I would have chosen, but my dear daughter does not thrive in crowds or big cities like her Momma. Where I am at peace amongst the hustle and bustle she is content with a slower paced environment. She loved the school. It was a long drive, so she would be far enough away to gain independence yet close enough for me to visit. Not too often.  (Easy for me to say now, but Michigan boasts beautiful scenery for bike rides. Just saying...)

The next several months will be a whirlwind time spent with Kendall.  She will turn 18, graduate from high school, languish in the last summer before venturing off to college and into adulthood.  Bittersweet.  Yet I will walk with her through this journey with love and friendship.

Peace
xoxo

Good Morning Sunshine

I awoke this morning to the sound of birds chirping happy songs and the beginning streams of the early dawn sun peeking through my open windows.  I luxuriated in bed, allowing myself a few moments of quiet reflection.  I smiled, feeling in my heart today was going to be a good day.

As I went through my usual morning reading, meditation and yoga practice, I quieted my mind and reflected upon the last week.  It had been a very emotional, stressful week.  It culminated with tears last evening.  It's true what they say, there is nothing like a good cry.  I released the tension in that cry.  Let go.  This morning as I moved and stretched my body, I felt completely refreshed.  Happy.  Hopeful.

Leading up to my good, solid cry was a week during which I felt as if I was in a rut.  Professionally and personally. I was beginning to doubt myself as a writer, athlete and person. I had been on an emotional roller coaster and was out of sorts. I had lashed out at people who are important to me, yet I didn't really know why.  I could say it was out of fear, and it likely was, however I'm tired of accepting fear.  It's held me in it's chains for too long.  It seemed as if I was in the same place in life I had been for quite a long time.  Stuck in that proverbial rut.  And it was as if I had become comfortable there, complacent in my fear of climbing out of it.  There is comfort in routine, even detrimental routine.  It would take strength to climb out of it, and it would be hard.  The tears came, and became the release that would turn into becoming the push I needed.

Then, late last evening came a conversation with a colleague whom I greatly respect.  A fellow writer, who had sent me a message acknowledging a recent piece I had published.  He said "Thank You", and advised he had shared my work on several media outlets.

The expression "I'm right where I need to be at this moment" came to my mind.  Something clicked inside of me and a feeling of lightness came over me. It was a small thing to him, but it meant a great deal to me.  Inspiration surrounds me,  I just wasn't seeing it.  I wasn't willing.  I had unwittingly closed myself off to the opportunity for creativity and happiness.

There have been some wonderful things that have come into my life. Instead of focusing on the wonderful, amazing blessings, I had remained closed.  Choosing worry and doubt over happiness and freedom.  I was languishing in their shackles.  No more.  Last night I let go.

I had been writing, but I hadn't really been writing from my soul.  I had been existing, but I had not been living to my full potential.

During my brief conversation with my colleague, I expressed that I had been in that rut and that his sharing of my work had given me a boost, for which I thanked him.  He said "It's not a rut, it's how life works. It's recharging your creative energy for writing.  Just like everything in life, things need time to grow."  I found this to be so moving.  Not only had I been recharging creative energy for writing, but also for living.

Sometimes it takes nearly losing something precious to open our eyes, hearts and minds.  To allow sunshine back into our lives.

Today, I am feeling inspired, open and loving.  Finally.  The same birds are still chirping happily as the full, beautiful sunshine touches my shoulders.  Freedom.

Peace,
xoxo

When Fear Returns

I started this blog a year ago in order to share my experiences and face my fears. Fear is what holds me back from a happy, joyous and free life. I know this, but sometimes I forget and slip back into old behavior patters. In my reality, to let go and live life to it's fullest is my ultimate goal. With that, anything is possible.

Does it come down to simply putting the puzzle pieces together?  Fill in the gaps by facing obstacles? Or is it deeper than that?

Recently, I have noticed my defense mode has been on overdrive and I have not been my true self. I've been arguing my points to death. Even compartmentalizing. This revelation was eye opening. It seems I have allowed fear to creep back in. I have become complacent, and fear has gotten hold of me again.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes me to quickly pull away and usually hide.  It is a basic survival mechanism. Fear is basically the trait that causes the urge to confront or flee.  Sink or swim.  Kill or be killed (figuratively speaking).  It's my go-to character defect that pops up from time to time. A skill (for lack of a better word) I have used my entire life to cope with what can be my skewed perception of reality.

Can I learn from my mistakes?  Yes I can. I cannot go back and erase, but I can move forward and make amends by my future actions.

From early childhood fear has held me in it's grips. I was a shy child, who worried endlessly. A quiet teenager who avoided social engagements.  In college I became a rebellious, wild girl wearing a mask of defiance. Later I approached adulthood by falsely shielding myself by isolating for so many years. Pretending that everything was perfect.  Slowly dying.

In recent years, I've made great changes.  I've written about this in the past.  It all stems from facing fear.  This will apparently always be something that I will have to be diligent about.  Not allowing complacency to creep in.

Live happily....joyous and free.

Have I spent so much time focusing on other areas in my life....training, work,  kids, etc. that I've lost focus on myself?  In my experience, if I'm not working on me I am actually working against me.  I need to rein it in.

The beauty of the wisdom I've gained from others is that I can start over at any time.  Fear doesn't have to control me today.

I have the tools to put the puzzle together.  It doesn't matter what it looks like on the outside.  What matters is how functional it is on the inside.  Sometimes life is good when it's not perfect. My imperfections make me who I am.  Ultimately it comes down to my choices on how to handle my imperfections which will allow me to live happily.

This morning was a time for quiet reflection and yoga meditation.  Centering myself and getting into gratitude.

There will be no hiding today. There will be no take no prisoners mentality.  There will be Nimsy in her truest form; herself.

Peace xoxo

Precious Time

Precious time, a day in the life.  Fear no more.

It seems as if several days in my life have passed, as if I blinked and they whirled by.  I've finally come up for air.  The kids are out of school for the summer and my normal routine has gone bye-bye.

I haven't posted in over a week. (You may or may not have noticed :). Part of the reason is my routine being out of whack, but more importantly I've spent time with my children. It's summer...I have the time...and life is short. They both had birthdays this week. My son, Nick turned 13 (a teenager!!) and is beginning 7th grade in the fall.  My daughter, Kendall turned 17, will soon have her drivers license and will be entering her senior year of high school.  Senior year!  Next year she will (God, please!) be off to college. Yes, I am that old. (Funny, I don't feel old??)

Time really does fly. Occasionally it's necessary to step back, examine life and re-prioritize. I seem to be doing that quite a bit lately. (I'll save that for another time).  We all need a break now and then I suppose.

The main reason a pause was necessary... Kendall will be having surgery on Monday morning.  She has experienced ongoing knee pain in her left leg for a few years. In 2010 I took her to an orthopedic physician. He ordered an MRI, which showed "nothing" but a small knot he diagnosed as a calcification.  He prescribed physical therapy and said to come back if the pain persisted.  With PT her pain subsided, so no further action seemed necessary. Fast forward to early 2013. The pain was back, this time much worse.  I urged Kendall to revisit the PT exercises which had previously helped and encouraged exercise to strengthen the surrounding muscles. A few months passed, and the pain was intensifying rather than subsiding. I took her back to the orthopedic physician in mid May. After another MRI we were asked to return to the office for the results. The MRI revealed that the small bump was now much larger, and had become what he called it a tumor.  We were referred to a specialist at Indiana University Health who specialized in childhood tumors. When we saw the specialist (oncologist...it was difficult for me to use that term) he advised the tumor would have to be surgically removed and biopsied.  BUT the good news was, in his expert opinion it appeared to be a benign tumor. We would only know for certain after the biopsy, but his confidence buoyed ours.  He also felt the surgery could wait until after school ended for the year.  So here we are.

It's very odd....as I've evolved in the last few years, I am not the worrier I once was.  I honestly have hope that what is meant to be will be, and that we are only given what we can handle.  I used to spend so much time worrying, and the only result was much more stress.  I am convinced that to worry about an unforeseen event or outcome is completely useless.  I will take what comes as it comes.  This is not to mean that I am blindly going through life just waiting for things to happen.  I take action today for what I can, and turn over what I can't.  This approach makes life so much easier!  For the most part I am fairly stress free, one day at a time.

I think my new approach to life has rubbed off on Kendall. So very cool.  She is nervous about the surgery (she's never been under general anesthesia except for some routine dental work) but she has a sense of calm.  My daughter is just like me, only stronger.  The last few years of evolution in our family have touched her as well.

That being said...it's not every day your child faces surgery, and ultimately an unknown prognosis.  We will handle whatever comes together.  To be honest, however I am apprehensive and a little scared.   This is my baby (albeit my young adult baby), after all.  I do know that with our resolve we will get through this.

We spent the last several days at my Mother-in-Law's lake house.  Kendall asked specifically to go there on her birthday so that she could have some fun on the water before her surgery.  I was happy to oblige.  This was the first time I had been to the lake this year, and we are not sure when we will be able to go again, so it was very nice to get away with the kids.  Laughter is the best medicine.  Flat out truth.  Apprehension evaporated into the clean lake air, and our giggles and smiles radiated in the sunshine.

I didn't write, I just spent time with them.  It was what we all needed.

 

On this beautiful Saturday, with the windows open behind me, I am at my desk typing away.  I've missed it!  Time away proved effective, because writing this post just flowed naturally.  I am glad to have the opportunity to share with you, and to translate my churning thoughts into a post.

Another day in the life, and fear is nowhere to be seen.  What a blessing.  If your thoughts turn to me on Monday, think also of Kendall.  Perhaps you might be inclined to say a little prayer, or just to send a little positive thought and good vibes our way.  It would be very much appreciated.  Stay tuned...thank you for listening.

Peace.

When is Acceptance too Much

When is acceptance too much?  I'm finding myself in a position of complacency in certain areas of my life, and I don't like that.  To be complacent translates to stagnancy.  This is preventing me from putting forth my true self. In realization of this, I find myself at a crossroads.  Do I continue on or do I pull myself back to a place of balance?  I think we know the answer to that question...

Let me elaborate.  There is a person in my life who is very important to me. This person appears in my life from time to time, stays for a bit then inevitably pushes me away.  It's almost as if it's a game to them.  I'm quite certain it isn't, but sometimes it seems as such. It really hurts. I fall for it every time and it frustrates the hell out of me. I am an intelligent person. I can see the writing on the wall very clearly, yet I pretend it's not there.  I keep hoping things will change and the relationship will be different.

However, when does hope cross the line to foolishness?  It seems I have become a doormat. I am always there, always eager to embrace.  I find myself repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results; insanity.  Being in acceptance of something beyond my control is the way I've chosen to live my life today, but in this instance am I approaching acceptance in the manner I should?  Or am I using it as a tool to cling to an old idea or belief that something will change?

Well, as soon as I put that down on paper t's as if a light bulb flickered on in my mind.  I deserve more.  I deserve to have respectful, genuine relationships with family and friends.

There comes a time in life where I have to take off my emotional blinders and get tough.  Acceptance becomes too much when I begin to accept treatment that is actually detrimental to me.

The inevitable disappointment that comes with this relationship breeds bitterness in me. Oh, it hurts. I have cast myself as the victim once more. I protest being placed in that role, yet I'm allowing it to happen. The expression "we teach people how to treat us" rings true. I have been weak and have taken the "wait and see" approach, rather than having strength in my own convictions, which further frustrates me. I have not been recognizing this, even though friends and family have repeatedly pointed it out. That changes today. Writing this post is helping me to sort things out. Things that I haven't necessarily wanted to face. I'm putting facts around the situation and am facing it now.

I'm not letting go of hope, as hope is ingrained in my soul.  I'm an eternal optimist, as you probably know. Hope is even tattooed on my wrist.

It is wonderful to have hope, have faith that a positive outcome will be forthcoming.  But hope must be tempered with intellect and positive action.

Acceptance over what I cannot control is important, but it has to be balanced.  Faith without works is dead (James 2:17).  Without action, hope departs.

Life is a delicate balance.  What brings authenticity to my life today is the ability to catch myself, pinpoint the issue and take action to put myself back on track.  I don't have to stay bitter or in resentment today. That's powerful.  With this balance, I can once again break out of the victim role and recapture the strength that is my very core today.

Journal entry: 101

Thank you for listening.  Peace, out

Getting Dirty then Putting on Heels

Hope I'm not disappointing you, but I was referring to actually being dirty. Like, really dirty.

My training ride today consisted of rain, wind, mud and earthworms. I'll spare you the earthworm details, for they are not pleasant. I will say the company on the ride was wonderful. Two terrific women rode with me, my coach and a very good friend. Strong cyclists. Their presence ensured the ride was fun and challenging. It was a blast to engage in drafting, even when the bike in front of me is spewing water and goo from the road directly onto me like a cold, gritty shower. It's all good, as taking turns drafting and pulling gave us each a reprieve from the 30mph headwinds. We rode 30 miles then grabbed coffee. Good times. I came home, hosed off my bike (no details), peeled off my sweaty, muddy cycling clothes and pulled a few earthworm remnants from my hair (a brief glimpse into the details and I will not go further). Yuck. I looked in the mirror and there was a streak of mud on my cheek and something brown stuck to my forehead...hours later I'm still not exactly sure what it was. Probably best if I don't know. Sometimes the sport is not very ladylike. It can get downright raw. (And I love it!!) 

I took a very long, very hot bath. I remained in the tub longer than usual, spending some quiet time with me and my meandering thoughts, then took a shower. I emerged and got dressed. I took my time picking the outfit I finally donned and then found the perfect shoes and accessories. 

I love fashion. I get to indulge in it so infrequently, which makes tonight extra special. We are going to dinner at a nice restaurant with the kids and my mother-in-law, who is the coolest woman ever. Love her! I'm probably getting too dressed up but I don't care. Given my absolutely filthy state pre-bath-shower, I needed to feel clean and pretty.

Hmm...should I wear this Michael Kors dress?

Or....

A little Free People black dress:

I opted for the MK dress. I'll save the black for next time.

Dinner was fabulous.  Scallops.

-------------------------

This is

what I usually wear:

  As I close this at 12:45am, I am in my comfy writing clothes, also typical attire.  Black polka dot pj's, white tank top.  Sorry, no picture. (smile).  It's Friday, and the forecast is for sunny skies.  I am hoping all my little wormy friends found their way back into the ground, as I have another ride coming up Saturday.  And a run tomorrow (I mean today....T.G.I.F.,  I'm a habitual night owl).

At least when I'm on foot I can dodge the little gross buggers.

That's all I've got for now.  And with that I'll say nite-nite....Peace out!

Peaceful Solitude

Maybe it's just me, but do vacations leave little time for rest?  I seem to cram so many activities into my vacations that there is little time left for rest and relaxation. Until I collapse into my bed at the end of the day. It is the second to last day of Spring Break and I'm exhausted!  I don't expect you to feel sorry for me, of course.

I come to you today from the balcony of the condo I'm renting for the week in Gulf Breeze, Florida.  It is a breezy, cool morning and the cloud cover is slightly gray with patches of bright blue peeking through.  I can hear the roar of the surf, and smell the salty air.  I am still in my blue silk nightgown, as I am the only one present.  It is so peaceful.  I'm smiling as I sip my morning coffee from a slightly chipped mug.

Today promises to be quiet.  Everyone else is deep sea fishing.  I do not bode well on small sea vessels so I elected to stay behind.  I am not a fisherman.  I still have nightmares about putting the earthworm on the fish hook and sobbing as a child. I felt sorry for the gross little bugger. I have no clue as to the bait used for the larger fish which are the promised find today, and frankly I don't need to know. Plus, being seasick is not high on my bucket list (been there, done that and it was not pretty).  I made the decision to remain on land, and am now catching up on some work, and of course my blog. I'm planning to go for a long run in a little bit and later I plan to park myself on a lounge chair on the beach.  Feeling sorry for me yet?

I am not complaining by any means.  I think I'm just feeling a little disconnected from the real world.  But that's the point of a vacation, right?  I should practice what I preach and live in the moment. Chill.  Admittedly being still is an area I need additional practice.  It drives me a little nuts when there isn't something on the agenda.  There....that unlocks the door to the meaning of why I'm exhausted.  Sudden "light bulb" moment.  I probably should have left my computer at home and taken a real break. But that would not have been wise, as I must have my creative outlet.  My fellow writers out there will certainly back me on that one.  To completely unplug is just not going to happen.  Unless the power goes out, then I'll have to deal.

My outlets are what keep me balanced.  My bike made the journey with me (of course) and so did my trusty Macbook Pro.  It's really which outlet we choose in life that matters.  In my previous existence my outlets were not wise, and I made many negative choices.  Today my outlets are healthy. I exercise, I write and I practice yoga/meditation.  Body, mind, spirit.  Occasionally I will indulge myself.  Peanut butter, the nectar of the gods and dark chocolate.  Naughty yet nice.  Just like me.  (smile)

I have been productive and have worked on my book.  Trying hard to burst the fear bubble that surrounds making progress and (gasp) having someone else read it.  It's one thing for the content to be real and from my gut and onto the computer....it's yet another to actually share it.  The old nagging fear raises it's ugly head.  I will smash it, however.  Every word is a step on the bridge to letting go.  Releasing a part of myself, as the raw Michelle is shown in my writing.  I'm holding nothing back.  By saying this am I justifying my fear?  Perhaps, but I'm also putting it out there.  It's not such a secret anymore.  Stay tuned.

Well I'm off to my run, then to my lounge chair in the sun.  Of course, as I am sitting soaking in the sun I will be anxiously awaiting the return of the seafaring group.  Then hopefully I'll have fish to cook for dinner.  (I do love to eat it!!) See you soon....

Peace, out.

The Waiting Room

I find myself in the waiting room of the hospital...again. My mother is having surgery to replace her broken hip. As you may know, waiting patiently is not my specialty. My Dad is sitting next to me reading The Hunger Games on his Kindle. As I scrutinize his face, he appears completely at ease.  He is well practiced in the virtue of patience. We were told the procedure would take 3 hours. My father has been in many waiting rooms in his 48 year career as Episcopal priest and more recently, Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Kansas. My impatience clearly was not inherited from him. (Although being a "preacher's kid" I gave him plenty of opportunities to be impatient with me and my shenanigans through the years.) I personally have witnessed him being less than patient. But I digress. (Although that would be an interesting future post.) Juicy!

Five weeks ago my mother suffered a fall which resulted in a broken hip. She had surgery to repair the break and pins were placed. She faced a lengthy recovery. It was anticipated she could not put full weight on her left leg for three months.  She was incredibly uncomfortable and depressed.  It was difficult for her to get in and out of the house. Long story short at a follow up visit last week an X-ray revealed the pins had come loose and that a total hip replacement was necessary. So here we are again. In the same waiting room.  But I have to say she was very positive as she was wheeled into surgery and that put me more at ease.

As I look around the room I see that I am surrounded by an eclectic group. There is a woman sitting across from me rapidly consuming a large bag of Cheetos which she washes down with an 18oz bottle of cola. I reserve judgement. There is a group of family members who collectively appear to have arguably the greatest tattoo collection in Indianapolis. There is an elderly woman clutching the hand of a beautiful young woman sitting next to her. The younger woman strokes her hand lovingly. I wonder if they are waiting to hear about the woman's husband, the young woman's father?  Then there is the receptionist who, appearing bored beyond belief, is thumbing through her magazine for the third time.

As a journalist I tend to be observant. Ok, nosy. I'll admit it. As a writer it is a personality trait that comes in handy. People watching has always been a fun pastime for me. As I work on my deficient patience level, I typically engage in this activity. I find it soothing. I enjoy the act of creating a story for each one. Who knows, they might be replicated in character as part of a future written work of mine.

I have been here for an hour and I'm pleased to note that I am not feeling anxious or impatient.  Progress! I am relaxed in the knowledge that my mother is getting the care she needs and I am grateful to be present with my Dad during her surgery. We are comfortable in her capable physician, who has an excellent beside manner.  My Dad appreciates his humor and I appreciate the fact that he includes me in the conversations regarding my mother.  We are told her recovery time will be significantly reduced, as with her brand new hip she will be able to walk out of here unassisted when before a wheelchair was required. Good stuff.

So I'll close for now and return to people watching. I have a whole new group to study and they appear to be good material at first glance. Thank you for passing the time with me!

Temptation and the Oreo

This was a fabulous weekend, just as I anticipated.  Lots of outdoor cycling! And if you've been following along, you know how happy that makes me! Daylight savings time began and it was a delight when I took my daughter to her tutoring session at 7pm this evening and the sky was still bright. Last week it had been dark. What a difference a week makes. Hello Spring! My spirits are high, and I'm ready for the week ahead.

While Kendall was being tutored, I sat outside and pondered what I would like to write about. I've been thinking about temptation a lot recently. Temptation can be defined as to strongly wish for or want something; usually something we can't or shouldn't have. Temptation seems to be surrounding me lately, in many forms. Indulgence can be so alluring. Perfect topic for a blog post.

Maybe it was the picture my nephew posted on Facebook that prompted the temptation reflection:

Or maybe it's because it is currently Lent, and the talk about town is giving up an object of desire during this period of time before Easter. In the Bible, Jesus was tempted in the desert by the Devil and of course He did not waver. So as testament to their faith, people restrict themselves from something they strongly desire during Lent. The expectation is to not give in to temptation.  Of course, when something is forbidden it suddenly becomes more enticing. We want what we can't have, and we want it RIGHT NOW. Human nature.

I have given up sweets.  What do I want?  Of course, I want those stinking Oreos.  I indulge in red grapes instead.  While eating the grapes my mind is focused on how delicious the birthday cake Oreos would taste. (sigh)

To not give in to our desires is an act of strength and will.  It can build mental fortitude. (Look how strong I am not eating the Oreos!)  Meanwhile it seems every thought turns to the object of desire.  I want an Oreo. Maybe two?!

Crazy, right?  I'm sure you've been tempted by something so hopefully you can empathize.

I want to throw caution to the wind and eat the Oreo, but not right now, the timing isn't right.  Perhaps after Ironman Kansas 70.3 I will give in and indulge myself.  As a matter of fact, the timing then will be perfect. Something to look forward to!

I just have to remember that I am powerless.  To remain strong means to work on myself.  With that work I can live freely without the obsession of the Oreo.  I can achieve a healthy balance with temptation, as it is part of being human. Balance, resolve and work peppered with a dose of humility.

Of course, I always have hope.

I hope you have a great week filled with productivity, laughter and wellness.  See you soon!

Peace out,
Michelle

Yippee-kay-yay it's Friday!!

Happy Friday!  It's been a whirlwind of a week, and I haven't had the chance to sit down to write until now. I may have had a twinge of writers' block. I'm so happy, not only because it's Friday (woo hoo) but because this is a big weekend. At least by my standards.  It's big because for once there is not a lot on the agenda. I love that.

There are a few scheduled events which are big to my kids; my son has a lacrosse game tonight and my daughter is taking the SAT tomorrow but other than that nothing is on our schedule. (Yes, my daughter is taking the college entry exam. Yes, I'm that old.)  Eek. Ha ha, it's all good.

I'm content to just be this weekend.  Let things play out as they will.  This is a milestone for me, because I've always been a planner. Control freak.  There, I said it. Another of my quirks I've been working on. But lately, I'm relaxing and trying to just go with the flow. There is peace in that.

The main reason this is a big weekend for me is tomorrow we turn the clocks ahead one hour. Is it weird that I'm completely over the moon excited about that? Most (normal) people grumble because it means an hour of sleep lost. Poof! Gone. But to me, we are not losing but rather gaining many blessings. An extra hour of daylight, more sunshine, more soon-to-be budding flowers and trees, evening bike rides and the end to the winter "blahs".  I am so over the blahs and ready for some hoopla.  Spring!

Me in the blahs

Me...ready for Spring and hoopla!

I love all of the seasons, but Spring is my favorite. All of the others just kind of follow each other, but Spring is special to me. The first two months of the year can be draining. It's dark, skies are gray and it's cold. It's hard to stay out of the blahs, even for me. Looking out of my window right now is a pleasure.  The sky is bright blue, birds are chirping, snow is melting.

The forecast for tomorrow looks perfect! Sunny and in the mid 50's. Not necessarily a heatwave, but warm enough for a long bike ride! I've got a 3 hour endurance ride planned. It will be a good day, and I can get back to bike blogging.

Happiness

So if you need me I'll be spending peaceful quiet time with me, time with the kids, time with friends and lots of cycling. The fact that I will be able to ride outside in the sunshine has my mood soaring. I'll fill you in on Sunday. Smile!

Peace out,
Michelle
xoxo

Slight Upheaval

Finally! After a crazy week I am able to sit down, catch my breath and write. I haven't had the opportunity to write just for fun this week and it is nice to unwind and do so.

I'm coming to you from my favorite spot...my bed. It's the first time I've curled up here all week and I've missed it. There's just nothing better than being in your own house and your own bed. Home sweet home.

Notice who has the biggest portion of the bed?  Frank thinks he's sleeping there all night.  He's about to get a wake up call.

I'm having some renovations done to my house, and it was necessary to pack up and leave for a few days.  The updates are vital and long overdue. But if you've ever had work done on your home, you know it's a time of upheaval. I'm embracing this experience. It's a good opportunity for me to practice being patient, which has always been a challenge for me. I'm slowly making progress. Getting out of my comfort zone (literally and figuratively) this week has helped. The result is I did not go completely loco this week. Not completely.

The week's project; new ceramic tile in the kitchen. The existing tile was old, stained and cracked (courtesy of the growing pains of two kids and Frank, the dog). Worth every crack by the way. I took the chance to relieve some stress by taking a hammer to the old tile prior to the contractors' arrival. It was awesome! If the opportunity arises for you to take a sledgehammer to an inanimate object, I highly recommend it.          

                                                                          Before:

After!  Isn't it beautiful?

Pictures don't really do the chaos or the resulting beauty justice. This morning my refrigerator was in the living room and the washer/dryer were in the dining room. All of the pantry items were piled in the living room next to the fridge and the coats from the mudroom were piled on the couch. For a girl who likes things to be in order, it was a good thing I was staying elsewhere. Ha ha. More patience practice. And so worth it.

Good stuff...on to the weekend.

March is a week away, which means race season is getting closer. As such, I will be training hard this weekend. Swim, bike, run baby! I'm looking forward to working my endorphins into a frenzy. Then I will recharge my batteries in my cozy blue bed :) in my Sheex. (Google them. Best. Sheets. Ever.) Oh, so good!  Wait, I'll do it for you, here's the link:

http://www.sheex.com

Try them, you'll thank me. You're welcome.  Have a great weekend!

Peace out.