The Block

As the blank page stares back at me, I'm reminded of how many times I have attempted to write a post in the last month.  And it has, in fact been a month since I've published something.  Anything.  It is incredibly frustrating to have so much to say, yet when I sit down to write nothing comes out.  The blank page mocks me.

10 drafts disdainfully greeted me as I opened my blog page tonight.  If you are a writer, I know you can relate.  One day passes, then the next.  Each day the intention to write is there, yet the block sets in. In the old days I would have been surrounded by crumpled pages torn from the typewriter in frustration and cast toward the trash can. Discarded thoughts and words.  Meanwhile the blank page mocks.  I suppose I can take some solace in the modern method of writing where the "delete" button can come into play.  Although, as I recall there was a bit of satisfaction drawn from the violent act of ripping and crumpling the tangible paper.

I am determined this will not turn into another expendable draft.

I know what is causing my block. My life is changing. Everything has already changed.  I want to write about it all, and I will....in due time.  Now is not the time.  So on some level, I have allowed this to limit me.

As a woman, my first inclination is to reach out. Spill my guts. Talk to other women who are going through, or have gone through, similar life changes.  Additionally (and this may be my ego speaking), I'm certain my story could help others.  Even if I could help one person it would be meaningful to me.  We all struggle in life.  Ultimately we are never really alone.

A day in the life for me today brought me back to gratitude.  I spent some quality time with my children.  Time that is precious, as they are growing up so quickly.  My daughter will graduate from high school in a little over two months.  She will spend the summer as a camp counselor in Michigan, then will begin college in September.  My son will spend an extended time at the same camp this summer.  I spent the evening with them and enjoyed every minute.  Time is precious.  Life is short.

Some good advice I was given recently;  Relax....just take time and let things unfold.  I'm learning to be quiet and listen, and take the wisdom that is given to me by the people in my life I care about.  Progress, not perfection.

Little things are what matter the most.  Laughter.  Writing. Living.  Growing.  And, perhaps a little cycling.  More tomorrow....

The Quest

I talk about facing my fears in this blog. It is my daily struggle for progression in life. I was asked by someone close to me today if I thought it ironic that I write about "fear no more".... yet am still full of fear.  No.  I don't find it ironic.  However, this idea gave me food for thought.  I love writing, and this blog is my outlet.  I'm not discouraged to discover new fears crop up, but rather inspired by them.  Progress, not perfection.  That's what this phase of my path is all about to me.  I've awakened recently and discovered that I like me.  With all my faults.  I can't hide from the world, but rather I must embrace it.  There is no other way for me to move forward and gain strength then to walk through my fears with an open heart and mind.  To stagnate is to die.  And I want to live.

It inspires me, and fills me with hope to hear feedback from readers that in some way, this blog has touched them, as they have similar struggles. Let's be honest.  Fear is a force.  But only if we let it get to that point.  If my fumbles can help even one, then it's worth it to write honestly in this forum.  Spiritual journaling with a purpose.  Sure, it might come back and bite me on the ass, but I'll take that chance.

The key component to me is putting it out there.  So what if something comes down the road that I struggle with.  It's called Life.  Shit happens, as they say.  It's what we do with the shit that matters.  Sit in it or step out of it.  To me, it's a simple choice.  Move on.

That being said, I want to expound upon my fear du jour.  It may sound silly, but with the serious things going on right now in my life, I want to write a light hearted piece.

For me,  I think one of a woman's most dreaded obstacles in life isn't boyfriend or work struggles....but rather shopping for jeans.

Jeans are a staple in our wardrobe.  They can be dressed up, dressed down, worn to the point of being held together by a mere string of fabric, patched, faded and loved.  Like a relationship, our love affair with our jeans goes through many stages.  Love, hate, anger when the zipper won't zip and elation when we can fit back into our "skinny" jeans or when our "boyfriend" jeans feel as if we are comfortably ensconced in sweat pants.

Then comes the sad day when your favorite pair of jeans are just not fit for public display.

At this point, it becomes necessary to shop for a new pair. Second only to bathing suit shopping, it can be painful. It can be likened to dating.  We get dressed up, go out, try several on and nothing fits just like they should.  The mini try-on sessions just don't feel right. Frustration sets in.  We just want the perfect match.  Is that asking too much?  It's all about putting the jeans on and having that "ahhhhh" moment and you just know you've found them. Like anything in life, it takes time and patience.

After the perfect pair is found, the honeymoon phase sets in.  We want to wear them all the time.  With heels, with sneakers, with sequin tops or with a sweatshirt.  Never ending fun combinations and happiness.  When we look good in our jeans, we feel that we can conquer the world.

With time, the jeans grow more comfortable.  They seems to mold with our body, forming just the right fit.  They soften, fade and become more dear.

Facing the fear, letting it go, processing a new situation and giving it time to grow.  In time, almost everything becomes like the perfect pair of jeans.  Comfortable, easy and just right.  Given a little effort, love and patience.

If you need me, I will be shopping fearlessly for a new pair of jeans.
Peace,
xoxo

Standing at the Turning Point

Here I am, yet again. The turning point. A position I've found myself numerous times during the past several years.  My toes are poised on the edge of the jump zone, the cliff if you will...yet an unseen force is holding me back. My arms are outstretched with hope...yet I remain frozen in fear. What the hell am I really afraid of?  Success?  Happiness?  Living my dreams?  What really is to fear in these options?

Realistically, there is nothing to fear.  There is only potential fulfillment in the path of happy destiny.  Yet, up until today I've chosen the path of least resistance. If I were to be brutally honest, I've been making this choice my entire life.  Don't ruffle any feathers....don't upset the apple cart...keep everyone happy.  My M.O.D. has been to be the good girl.  The one who smoothes things over.

It's time for me to break out of the shackles.  Here I find myself back on the edge of the cliff.

For my loyal readers...this is not a surprise.  I've been here for some time now.  The girl who cried "wolf!!" has seemed ready to move forward, then as she is about to make her move she falls back yet again. Those who know me well are holding their breath...expecting me to jump...yet here I have remained.  There is egotism there. What will people think?  If the caterpillar becomes the butterfly?  Change.... In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter who I please.  It matters that my actions reflect my own next right action.  To do "the next right thing." For myself.  Ultimately, if I am not acting in my own interests, what the hell am I doing?  Who's life am I really living if I care only about what others might think, or how my actions might impact others while thinking nothing of myself?

The cliff has seemed to be a safe haven.  Yet at the same time a stagnant place.  The strength within me yearns to leap into the unknown freedom, and meanwhile the fear keeps it's stronghold.  Deep rooted, as my feet seem to be in the rocky ground of the cliff.

Pain, frustration, stunted growth.  This is where I have sat, almost comfortably.  Just existing.  Allowing life to flourish around me, yet not completely free to join in myself.

For a year now I've been writing about facing my fears.  Through baby steps, similar to my athletic training, I've gotten stronger.  Comfortable in my own skin.

To thine own self be true.  Live honestly, nobly and remain open and in complete willingness to embrace life's challenges.  This is the only way I can grow.

Fear No More...

The Journey to La Vuelta MotionFit Training Camp

Day One

Indiana to Rutledge TN

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The adventure begins. Michelle Atkins, Brenda Juarbe-Pearson and coach extraordinaire Catherine Lacrosse. Amazing cyclists and very good friends setting forth on a cycling vacation. 

Three girls, three bikes and too many bags. In pre-trip discussions, we all vowed not to overpack. That being said, we over packed. I mean, let's be honest, a girl just never knows what shoes to wear with a given outfit until she's getting dressed. It's best to have options. Additionally, five days of cycling in various climates requires a fair amount of gear. However, we managed to squeeze the luggage, bikes and ouselves into one car. We are at maximum capacity.  And loving every second. 

In preparation for The Big Event, La Vuelta Puerto Rico in January, we are attending a weekend training camp presented by Motionfit. Kameel Abdurraman is Motionfit and is a road captain for the peloton style La Vuelta. It promises to be a fantastic weekend of solid cycling. Saturday we will ride 141 miles, and a short 40 mile wrap up ride Sunday.

Obsessed with cycling as we are, a few extra days of riding have been added to spice up the adventure. 

We are traveling by car from bitterly cold Indiana to sunny, warm Florida.  Tonight we will stay with friends in Tennessee. Becky Gillum and her husband Don are our hosts. Becky is a fellow Ironman and it will be fun to add a fourth lady to the group for the night. 

The six hour drive was filled with laughter and much-needed girl talk. We arrived in Tennessee feeling refreshed and joyous. Becky had advised us that her house had "exploded with Christmas" and we were not disappointed. Decorating is evidently Becky's gift. The lovely house was tastefully "Christmas-ed". Every room appeared to be an exhibit in a fine art museum with over 500 Santas, mostly antique, artfully displayed. A beautiful home and a perfect sanctuary for the night. 

It was a wonderful, relaxed evening. Just what I needed. 

My life has been quite turbulent recently. This first day of our trip, surrounded with love and laughter, has renewed my spirit.  As I stretch in the big, comfortable bed ending the day with evening meditation, I am at peace. 

Day Two...driving to Chattenooga, TN to tackle the Ironman bike course. 

To be continued...