"To err is human, (to forgive, divine)" I've had the "err" part down, it's the forgiveness piece that I struggled with. The importance of being able to forgive escaped me. I am only beginning to understand that the act of forgiveness is for myself, not the other person, and that when I acknowledge and forgive I may then be free to move forward.
In what I fondly refer to as "my former life", it seemed I was a bubbling pot of anger, resentment and depression. If someone wronged me (or if I perceived such an occurrence) I would immediately shut down and close myself off to that person. It was a defense mechanism run awry.
I excelled in the role of victim. In my reflection today upon that time of my life, it became obvious to me I may have enjoyed befitting the self-imposed victim role on some level. As twisted as that may sound, there was power there. I don't think I ever took responsibility for my part in anything. I was dishonest, even with myself. Sad, really. For many years I was so lost. And I lost so very much.
A large part of my self awareness and growth in recent years has a lot to do with my learning how to forgive. And it comes down to honesty. In every situation I have a part. Things don't just happen to me, and I am not a victim. I have to look at what my responsibility is first...always. What are my motives? Mark my words, a lot of the time I owe an amends for my own actions in the situation. If I keep myself honest and take care of my own domain then I've done the right thing. And that's all I can do. The next right thing. Once I take care of my part, I am open to heal and to forgive.
It was exhausting holding onto grudges. They were extremely heavy! Dragging them around like a ball and chain. It is no wonder I was depressed. Today, I am slow to anger. I am not saying that I never get mad or upset. I am human, not perfect and I do get angry from time to time. The difference today is when the anger arises I handle it immediately. View my part, deal with the situation and move on. There is no more clinging to resentment as if a blanket, for it has no place in my life today.
With a lighter, less complicated life I am free to be the positive girl that writes her heart out. You know, that's why I am writing. I feel compelled to put the truth out there. No more hiding. Here I am, like me or leave me. Today, I am no longer lost but found.