Standing at the Turning Point

Here I am, yet again. The turning point. A position I've found myself numerous times during the past several years.  My toes are poised on the edge of the jump zone, the cliff if you will...yet an unseen force is holding me back. My arms are outstretched with hope...yet I remain frozen in fear. What the hell am I really afraid of?  Success?  Happiness?  Living my dreams?  What really is to fear in these options?

Realistically, there is nothing to fear.  There is only potential fulfillment in the path of happy destiny.  Yet, up until today I've chosen the path of least resistance. If I were to be brutally honest, I've been making this choice my entire life.  Don't ruffle any feathers....don't upset the apple cart...keep everyone happy.  My M.O.D. has been to be the good girl.  The one who smoothes things over.

It's time for me to break out of the shackles.  Here I find myself back on the edge of the cliff.

For my loyal readers...this is not a surprise.  I've been here for some time now.  The girl who cried "wolf!!" has seemed ready to move forward, then as she is about to make her move she falls back yet again. Those who know me well are holding their breath...expecting me to jump...yet here I have remained.  There is egotism there. What will people think?  If the caterpillar becomes the butterfly?  Change.... In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter who I please.  It matters that my actions reflect my own next right action.  To do "the next right thing." For myself.  Ultimately, if I am not acting in my own interests, what the hell am I doing?  Who's life am I really living if I care only about what others might think, or how my actions might impact others while thinking nothing of myself?

The cliff has seemed to be a safe haven.  Yet at the same time a stagnant place.  The strength within me yearns to leap into the unknown freedom, and meanwhile the fear keeps it's stronghold.  Deep rooted, as my feet seem to be in the rocky ground of the cliff.

Pain, frustration, stunted growth.  This is where I have sat, almost comfortably.  Just existing.  Allowing life to flourish around me, yet not completely free to join in myself.

For a year now I've been writing about facing my fears.  Through baby steps, similar to my athletic training, I've gotten stronger.  Comfortable in my own skin.

To thine own self be true.  Live honestly, nobly and remain open and in complete willingness to embrace life's challenges.  This is the only way I can grow.

Fear No More...

Cityscape

I love being in the city.  Any city.  Each has it's own unique character.  The people, the noise, the culture, the food, the adventure.  Cities breathe on their own and excitement streams through the streets.  Anything I can imagine at any hour of the day is at my fingertips. The ebb and flow; the darkness and light. Cityscape.

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things". ~Robert Brault

For me, that means to seize every opportunity. Be true to myself in all that I do, which means be open, honest and willing.  Every minute has the potential to be a "big moment". At this point in time, happiness comes from being with the people that encircle me in this city.

As I stroll, I hear the countless footsteps of the pedestrians surrounding me. Like a swirling sea, the throng seems to pick me up and carry me down the gritty sidewalk with purpose. The countless sounds, the life blood of the city, pulse in my ears. Car horns, tires screeching, the voices of people filled with laughter, chatter, shouting and whispers join with the shrill sound of the policeman's whistle as he guides us across the street and on our way to various destinations.

I stop at a small cafe' for coffee and select a table outside where I can watch the madness. I revel in it; the hustle and bustle. I can choose to be part of the act or completely separate from it. I order my favorite, Americano with cinnamon powder.  Time to people watch.  I open my laptop and button up my coat a little further against the chill in the autumn air. The sun is shining brightly, which warms my face, and I adjust my sunglasses. There is not a cloud in the sky, which is bright blue peeking out from atop the sky scrapers.

Sipping my coffee, my gaze surveys the scene. I could sit here and simply watch people all day.  The characters come to life in my mind as I speculate on what makes them tick. A young mother pushing a stroller, the homeless man begging for change while well dressed bankers hurry past on their way to be important in their jobs. A beautiful couple walks by slowly holding hands, not speaking but occasionally glancing lovingly at the other. The vast difference between the faces of the crowd fascinate me.  Human nature on display in the natural flow of their day. I find serenity here, as easily as I might on a quiet beach or mountain trail. I am one in a million and that allows me freedom.  Freedom to write.  Freedom to be me.

Happiness and tranquility are mine for the taking, if I choose to find them.  And today I'm finding them in the cityscape.

Peace, out
xoxo

Good Morning Sunshine

I awoke this morning to the sound of birds chirping happy songs and the beginning streams of the early dawn sun peeking through my open windows.  I luxuriated in bed, allowing myself a few moments of quiet reflection.  I smiled, feeling in my heart today was going to be a good day.

As I went through my usual morning reading, meditation and yoga practice, I quieted my mind and reflected upon the last week.  It had been a very emotional, stressful week.  It culminated with tears last evening.  It's true what they say, there is nothing like a good cry.  I released the tension in that cry.  Let go.  This morning as I moved and stretched my body, I felt completely refreshed.  Happy.  Hopeful.

Leading up to my good, solid cry was a week during which I felt as if I was in a rut.  Professionally and personally. I was beginning to doubt myself as a writer, athlete and person. I had been on an emotional roller coaster and was out of sorts. I had lashed out at people who are important to me, yet I didn't really know why.  I could say it was out of fear, and it likely was, however I'm tired of accepting fear.  It's held me in it's chains for too long.  It seemed as if I was in the same place in life I had been for quite a long time.  Stuck in that proverbial rut.  And it was as if I had become comfortable there, complacent in my fear of climbing out of it.  There is comfort in routine, even detrimental routine.  It would take strength to climb out of it, and it would be hard.  The tears came, and became the release that would turn into becoming the push I needed.

Then, late last evening came a conversation with a colleague whom I greatly respect.  A fellow writer, who had sent me a message acknowledging a recent piece I had published.  He said "Thank You", and advised he had shared my work on several media outlets.

The expression "I'm right where I need to be at this moment" came to my mind.  Something clicked inside of me and a feeling of lightness came over me. It was a small thing to him, but it meant a great deal to me.  Inspiration surrounds me,  I just wasn't seeing it.  I wasn't willing.  I had unwittingly closed myself off to the opportunity for creativity and happiness.

There have been some wonderful things that have come into my life. Instead of focusing on the wonderful, amazing blessings, I had remained closed.  Choosing worry and doubt over happiness and freedom.  I was languishing in their shackles.  No more.  Last night I let go.

I had been writing, but I hadn't really been writing from my soul.  I had been existing, but I had not been living to my full potential.

During my brief conversation with my colleague, I expressed that I had been in that rut and that his sharing of my work had given me a boost, for which I thanked him.  He said "It's not a rut, it's how life works. It's recharging your creative energy for writing.  Just like everything in life, things need time to grow."  I found this to be so moving.  Not only had I been recharging creative energy for writing, but also for living.

Sometimes it takes nearly losing something precious to open our eyes, hearts and minds.  To allow sunshine back into our lives.

Today, I am feeling inspired, open and loving.  Finally.  The same birds are still chirping happily as the full, beautiful sunshine touches my shoulders.  Freedom.

Peace,
xoxo

When Fear Returns

I started this blog a year ago in order to share my experiences and face my fears. Fear is what holds me back from a happy, joyous and free life. I know this, but sometimes I forget and slip back into old behavior patters. In my reality, to let go and live life to it's fullest is my ultimate goal. With that, anything is possible.

Does it come down to simply putting the puzzle pieces together?  Fill in the gaps by facing obstacles? Or is it deeper than that?

Recently, I have noticed my defense mode has been on overdrive and I have not been my true self. I've been arguing my points to death. Even compartmentalizing. This revelation was eye opening. It seems I have allowed fear to creep back in. I have become complacent, and fear has gotten hold of me again.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes me to quickly pull away and usually hide.  It is a basic survival mechanism. Fear is basically the trait that causes the urge to confront or flee.  Sink or swim.  Kill or be killed (figuratively speaking).  It's my go-to character defect that pops up from time to time. A skill (for lack of a better word) I have used my entire life to cope with what can be my skewed perception of reality.

Can I learn from my mistakes?  Yes I can. I cannot go back and erase, but I can move forward and make amends by my future actions.

From early childhood fear has held me in it's grips. I was a shy child, who worried endlessly. A quiet teenager who avoided social engagements.  In college I became a rebellious, wild girl wearing a mask of defiance. Later I approached adulthood by falsely shielding myself by isolating for so many years. Pretending that everything was perfect.  Slowly dying.

In recent years, I've made great changes.  I've written about this in the past.  It all stems from facing fear.  This will apparently always be something that I will have to be diligent about.  Not allowing complacency to creep in.

Live happily....joyous and free.

Have I spent so much time focusing on other areas in my life....training, work,  kids, etc. that I've lost focus on myself?  In my experience, if I'm not working on me I am actually working against me.  I need to rein it in.

The beauty of the wisdom I've gained from others is that I can start over at any time.  Fear doesn't have to control me today.

I have the tools to put the puzzle together.  It doesn't matter what it looks like on the outside.  What matters is how functional it is on the inside.  Sometimes life is good when it's not perfect. My imperfections make me who I am.  Ultimately it comes down to my choices on how to handle my imperfections which will allow me to live happily.

This morning was a time for quiet reflection and yoga meditation.  Centering myself and getting into gratitude.

There will be no hiding today. There will be no take no prisoners mentality.  There will be Nimsy in her truest form; herself.

Peace xoxo

Calm Amidst the Storm

There is a lightness today, a feeling I hadn't known for awhile. Two weeks and two days to be exact.  My daughter had surgery to remove a tumor from her femur on June 10. Since then it has been a waiting game. Waiting. It is the worst. Especially when cancer or no cancer is in the balance. And the person at the center of it is my child.

The surgery went well, and the surgeon was able to remove the tumor by arthroscopic means. She has 4 small holes, and since there was no incision her recovery will be relatively short. The surgeon advised  us the tissue would be sent to pathology and we would have the results in 3 to 5 days.

By Friday, when I hadn't received a phone call I called the office and spoke to the surgeon's assistant. I learned the results from the pathology had come back and the pathologist and the surgeon agreed it needed to be sent to The Mayo Clinic for further evaluation. I'm not going to lie. It was like a kick to the stomach. Not what a parent wants to hear. I felt panic rise like heat from within.

But then a strange thing happened which surprised even me. I was able to pacify myself and did not fall apart. This is quite a revelation as in the past I have been known to fall apart at the slightest provocation. But today I am stronger. I find that I am able to take things as they come. I've finally been able to adopt the attitude of "why worry before I know something concrete". Today I deal in facts and not "Oh my gosh, what if?"s. This means freedom, as worry is nothing but a burden. I put the unknown in God's hands.

This morning we heard from the doctor and were told the tumor was completely benign. Even though I hadn't been a worried mess, a huge sensation of relief washed over me. Only then did I allow myself to feel the gravity of the situation. And then I let it go. It was replaced by sheer joy that my baby was completely fine.

It feels pretty damn good to have faced a seemingly earth shattering event at face value.  I put facts around it.  And, unlike my former self, instead of focusing on the possible gloomy outcome I focused instead on being positive.  The surgeon believed from the moment we met with him that it appeared benign. In my mind I acted "as if". In my heart the tumor was benign. And I set my intention to that unless I was told differently.

What will be will be.

Taking this stance allowed me to be a calming influence on my daughter instead of a basket case.  She didn't need a frazzled mom.  She needed a mom to tell her everything was going to be alright. So I believed it was all going to be alright and that's what I conveyed to her.  She believed.

Hand in hand our family walked gracefully through this event.  And through it all we grew.  I saw her brother show genuine love and caring for his sister. None of the usual sibling bickering occurred. And her Dad softened.  Patience was the emotion du jour. Love was abound and we all rallied together.

My daughter is pretty amazing.  And pretty healthy.  And we are all extremely grateful.

She returns to work tomorrow morning.  6:00am. Guess who's driving her there?!  I'm trying to get into gratitude about that and my 5:30am wake up call.  I suppose this is my cue to say goodnight.

Peace xoxo

When is Acceptance too Much

When is acceptance too much?  I'm finding myself in a position of complacency in certain areas of my life, and I don't like that.  To be complacent translates to stagnancy.  This is preventing me from putting forth my true self. In realization of this, I find myself at a crossroads.  Do I continue on or do I pull myself back to a place of balance?  I think we know the answer to that question...

Let me elaborate.  There is a person in my life who is very important to me. This person appears in my life from time to time, stays for a bit then inevitably pushes me away.  It's almost as if it's a game to them.  I'm quite certain it isn't, but sometimes it seems as such. It really hurts. I fall for it every time and it frustrates the hell out of me. I am an intelligent person. I can see the writing on the wall very clearly, yet I pretend it's not there.  I keep hoping things will change and the relationship will be different.

However, when does hope cross the line to foolishness?  It seems I have become a doormat. I am always there, always eager to embrace.  I find myself repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results; insanity.  Being in acceptance of something beyond my control is the way I've chosen to live my life today, but in this instance am I approaching acceptance in the manner I should?  Or am I using it as a tool to cling to an old idea or belief that something will change?

Well, as soon as I put that down on paper t's as if a light bulb flickered on in my mind.  I deserve more.  I deserve to have respectful, genuine relationships with family and friends.

There comes a time in life where I have to take off my emotional blinders and get tough.  Acceptance becomes too much when I begin to accept treatment that is actually detrimental to me.

The inevitable disappointment that comes with this relationship breeds bitterness in me. Oh, it hurts. I have cast myself as the victim once more. I protest being placed in that role, yet I'm allowing it to happen. The expression "we teach people how to treat us" rings true. I have been weak and have taken the "wait and see" approach, rather than having strength in my own convictions, which further frustrates me. I have not been recognizing this, even though friends and family have repeatedly pointed it out. That changes today. Writing this post is helping me to sort things out. Things that I haven't necessarily wanted to face. I'm putting facts around the situation and am facing it now.

I'm not letting go of hope, as hope is ingrained in my soul.  I'm an eternal optimist, as you probably know. Hope is even tattooed on my wrist.

It is wonderful to have hope, have faith that a positive outcome will be forthcoming.  But hope must be tempered with intellect and positive action.

Acceptance over what I cannot control is important, but it has to be balanced.  Faith without works is dead (James 2:17).  Without action, hope departs.

Life is a delicate balance.  What brings authenticity to my life today is the ability to catch myself, pinpoint the issue and take action to put myself back on track.  I don't have to stay bitter or in resentment today. That's powerful.  With this balance, I can once again break out of the victim role and recapture the strength that is my very core today.

Journal entry: 101

Thank you for listening.  Peace, out

Block

The irony behind this post is I have a self-diagnosed case of bloggers' block. Symptoms: anxiety, frustration, headache, and the dreaded blank page.  The pristine page mocks me, daring me to string sentences together to form a post worth reading. It's been going on for a couple of days now.

Periodically I find myself stuck in my own head.  Going in circles. I put undue pressure on myself.

I tend to over analyze...

I mentioned my plight to a few blogging friends, and the general consensus was...relax.  Do something other than think about writing.  One blogger suggested I go outside...change my surroundings (I was happy to comply, as the sky was clear, the sun was shining and it was warm.  In short, a perfect day).  Another suggested reading a good book or cooking something special.  Others simply commiserated.  Which amazed me. Low and behold, others go through the same thing! This helped because I was beginning to gravitate toward feeling that I'm the only one who's experienced the phenomenon of the blank page. I discovered I'm not that important.  Shocking (said tongue in cheek). This grounded me. It is the true beauty of a network of colleagues who share my passion for writing. We are all on common ground.

I did something different. I went for a run, got a massage and recharged my creative mind.

In order to burst out of my mental block, I'm just going to write.

Well, perhaps ramble if you will.  The page isn't blank....so it's a start.  Short but sweet.  I feel liberated.

Lesson learned today?  If I'm stuck in a rut, feeling alone....reach out and ask for help.  That is not a sign of weakness.  It is, my friends,  strength.

Peace out.

Forgiveness...the Missing Piece

"To err is human, (to forgive, divine)" I've had the "err" part down, it's the forgiveness piece that I struggled with. The importance of being able to forgive escaped me. I am only beginning to understand that the act of forgiveness is for myself, not the other person, and that when I acknowledge and forgive I may then be free to move forward.

In what I fondly refer to as "my former life", it seemed I was a bubbling pot of anger, resentment and depression. If someone wronged me (or if I perceived such an occurrence) I would immediately shut down and close myself off to that person. It was a defense mechanism run awry.

I excelled in the role of victim. In my reflection today upon that time of my life, it became obvious to me I may have enjoyed befitting the self-imposed victim role on some level. As twisted as that may sound, there was power there. I don't think I ever took responsibility for my part in anything. I was dishonest, even with myself. Sad, really. For many years I was so lost. And I lost so very much.

A large part of my self awareness and growth in recent years has a lot to do with my learning how to forgive. And it comes down to honesty. In every situation I have a part. Things don't just happen to me, and I am not a victim. I have to look at what my responsibility is first...always.  What are my motives? Mark my words, a lot of the time I owe an amends for my own actions in the situation. If I keep myself honest and take care of my own domain then I've done the right thing. And that's all I can do.  The next right thing. Once I take care of my part, I am open to heal and to forgive.

It was exhausting holding onto grudges. They were extremely heavy! Dragging them around like a ball and chain. It is no wonder I was depressed. Today, I am slow to anger.  I am not saying that I never get mad or upset.  I am human, not perfect and I do get angry from time to time. The difference today is when the anger arises I handle it immediately. View my part, deal with the situation and move on.  There is no more clinging to resentment as if a blanket, for it has no place in my life today.

With a lighter, less complicated life I am free to be the positive girl that writes her heart out. You know, that's why I am writing. I feel compelled to put the truth out there. No more hiding. Here I am, like me or leave me.  Today, I am no longer lost but found.

Peace...

The Finish Line

A race is the culmination of months of training, planning, dreaming and mental and physical preparation.  Participating in races is such a wonderful experience that I absolutely love.

I've crossed many finish lines since, but I will never forget my first big race.  It was the Rock 'N Roll Philadelphia Half Marathon several years ago. In many ways Philadelphia reminds me of Boston. Rich in history, tremendous people and impressive architecture. The recent tragedy in Boston has been on my mind and inspired me to write about the sport I love.

It had never occurred to me that I could run a half marathon. I didn't picture myself as a runner. I had been happy doing my little turbo kick class at the gym, and occasionally hitting the Elliptical.  Running in a race, and a half marathon at that, was not on my radar. At the time I didn't even have a bucket list. I existed in my little world and thought I was happy with status quo. I was just trying to keep my head above water.

Then came the phone call that would change my life. One of my best friends called and said "why don't we train and do this half marathon in Philadelphia in September?  It'll be fun!" Her enthusiasm won me over and I agreed. I figured, what the hell...I had successfully made other changes in my life why not go for it?  For the first time in my life I had a race on my calendar and a goal to work toward.

We got off the phone and excitement bubbled up inside of me. I immediately got online and researched training, nutrition, etc. I went out the next day and bought new running shoes.  I put together a training plan using Hal Higdon's Novice Half Marathon plan. 12 weeks and I would cross that finish line. I followed the training plan to the letter. You might even say I was obsessed.

Two days before the race I flew to Baltimore, where my friend lived and the next day we took the train to Philadelphia. I was petrified when we entered the city. What the hell was I thinking? I was nuts to think I'd be able to run 13.1 miles.  My stomach was in knots. We checked into our hotel, met two other girls and headed to the race expo. My first expo! It was so exciting. I picked up my packet, and held my first bib in my hands. It was so precious.  It was official, I was a participant in a half marathon.  We ventured to an italian restaurant for dinner, then headed back to the hotel.  How was I going to sleep?

Race morning came, and the alarm sounded at 5:30am. Here we go! We walked to the race start line. There were over 20,000 people from all over the world participating in this event.  It was a massive crowd. I remember wondering if everyone else was terrified also. We made our way to our corrals and waited. I was a wreck!

The gun sounded and we were off!  I had no idea what to expect, but the instant the crowd moved forward my nerves dissipated and my adrenaline kicked in. I started dodging and passing runners, then settled into my stride. Each mile marker I passed increased my excitement. I was actually doing this! My training took over, I relaxed and enjoyed the race. The runners were all encouraging each other and the volunteers and spectators along the course were fantastic.  As I approached mile marker 10 the brevity of what I was doing set in. I became emotional. I felt that I was a part of something great. A year before this race I was at the lowest of lows and almost died. On this day I was in the last 3.1 miles of a half marathon.

The finish line was near the Philadelphia Museum of Art, home of the famous steps Rocky ran wearing his grey sweatsuit.  As I approached the finishing chute I heard The Eye of the Tiger being played over the loudspeaker and I began to cry tears of joy.  I was almost there...I did it!!  It was the most amazing feeling of my life. As I entered mile 12 one of my friends caught up to me. The spectators were chanting "one mile to go!!" We crossed the finish line together and I felt as if I was flying. The feeling was beyond description.

Judy, Me, Janette and Lydia

When I heard of the explosions yesterday my mind went back to this picture, and my first finish line.  Every one since has meant so much. There is a feeling of accomplishment, joy and celebration when the finish line is crossed and the race is completed. Most importantly, I've always felt safe. Whether as a spectator or an athlete.  It's a sanctuary of sorts for us. As if we were running home. The finish line was different yesterday for the athletes and spectators of the Boston Marathon. That is what hit me the most.  As an athlete it made me very angry. How dare the sick individuals invade that precious place.  It will haunt me but it will not stop me.  I will not be in fear. I will continue to work hard and enjoy the sport I love and I will feel safe and secure when I cross finish lines this season.  I will not let this tragedy take that from me.

As I thought about this post I looked at all of the medals and bibs I've collected.  There are quite a few, and I hope there will be many more.  Thank you for sharing this memory with me.

Pray for Boston and for peace.  May your finish line always be safe.  Peace.

Of Being Mindful

Each night before going to sleep I review my day. Did I put my best self forward today? Was I kind, patient, giving and honest? Or was I quick to anger and selfish? Do I owe anyone an apology? Engaging in this daily inventory helps keep me in check.

I find more often than not, if I stray away from this daily self appraisal the negative parts of my character tend to pop up. I can't allow this to happen. In my quest for my better self to be forefront in my life I have to be diligent with this. Keep moving in the right direction.

Recent events with a loved one in my life have me pondering my actions. I keep finding myself in the same situation and I continue to cling to hope that things will change. But what I have failed to accept is I have no control. Things just aren't always going to go my way. I cannot dictate another persons actions. I can only govern my own.

Repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results. Insanity? Such a harsh word. But I have to wonder, if I allow people or situations to affect me and if I repeatedly allow myself be to be hurt, isn't that insanity? When does hope for the better become unbalanced?

I just answered my own question. A clear indicator should be that I have repeatedly been hurt. To remain hopeful that things will magically turn around is what is out of balance. I have become codependent. This inhibits change.

It is a fine line, isn't it? To strive for positivity and yet not go too far into blindness of self. In effect, inaction. Hope can only get me so far. Then it's up to me. Rather that sit idly by and allowing things to happen to me I can turn it around by taking action. In the interest of my body, mind and spirit I cannot remain complacent.

I can continue to work on me and that's what I plan to do. Continue being my usual positive self and let others handle their own stuff.

I recognize that I've been somewhat vague in this post. Sometimes it's unwise to reveal all of the facts surrounding a situation. I hope my meaning shines through.

Thanks for listening, you always help me. Smile.

See you soon!

A Simple Phrase

Live Without Regret

Sometimes a simple phrase can make the most impact.

It did for me.

Messing with my Mojo

As far as weekends go, I would say this was a quiet one.  My daughter was away at a church retreat so the house was a tad empty.  I spent the bulk of the time watching my son, Nick play basketball.  And when we weren't at the Fieldhouse I was cleaning out closets.  I know....exciting.  But sometimes quiet weekends can be pretty great.  I had a lot of time to reflect and write. The weather was perfect for a run this afternoon, and I knocked out my scheduled 10 miles with a new killer playlist. (I'm addicted to Spotify...if you don't have it, trust me you have to check it out!)  The cold run meant more time to reflect, jam out and mind blog.  a.k.a daydream. Which is always fun.

What's on my mind blog today? Unfortunately not a pleasant day dream.  Instead I was reflecting on some drama. Remember not too long ago when I wrote about choosing to surround myself with positive people without drama?  Intention is one thing, reality is yet another.

It is not a perfect world, I'm not perfect and I'm not surrounded by perfect people. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing in this life I can control is me.  I can only determine how I respond.  There are a few people in my life now that are, let's just say...complicated.  They mess with my mojo.

There was a time in my life that I was steeped in turbulence. If my life became serene I would search out chaos. Looking back upon that time, I believe that my unconscious thought process was if I was surrounded with melodrama and chaotic situations, I would be taken out of my pain. Drama diversion if you will. It really didn't work, and my emotional pain only increased. Still, I held on to those ideas for many years. I was extremely unhealthy. I was always angry. I was so miserable.

I don't know exactly what made me stop.  One day I just made the decision to put my bad behavior behind me.  I did it and never looked back.  Day by day I worked on myself from the inside out. I gradually grew into a woman I actually like and am proud of.  I didn't much like myself during the drama era, which is what I've named it.  I can't remember the last time I was angry.  Change started with me, and I continue that into the present.  I can only control Michelle.  Not others or their stuff.  Just my stuff.

There are days, like today, when I have to make a decision. I can either let this person get to me and fester in the situation or I can let it go. I can react immediately or I can take myself out of the situation for the meantime and then address it later.  Pause.

I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. Practice random acts of kindness.  It's how I roll today, and I couldn't be happier.

The next time someone pushes your buttons, try pausing.  It works, I promise.

Serenity is now. Drama is so yesterday.
Peace friends,
xoxo

Patience

If you've been following along, you're most likely not surprised to see the title to this post. It was just a matter of time.

It's funny, as I scrolled through my blog history this evening, I was convinced that I surely had devoted a post to this subject.  I was surprised I hadn't. I scrolled again. Nada. While I've mentioned my impatience problem in the past, I hadn't dedicated an entire post to it. The timing of this post seems appropriate as it coincides with teaching my sixteen year old daughter how to drive a car. Interesting parallel, eh?

I just have to laugh. My struggle with patience has become a source of humor to me. It has been brought to my attention a lot lately, for which I am grateful. One cannot work to improve if one is in ignorance (or denial) of the problem, right?  Each time my patience is tested I get stronger. It's kind of funny, in that I'm finally coming to the realization...why rush?  Why not just chill out and enjoy the trip.  I'll get there eventually and when I do it will be worth the wait.  Being impatient and rushing through life is just not the way I want to live today.

Kendall....I love this kid

Which brings me back to what inspired me to write about this today, yes...I am teaching my daughter to drive. The feeling of being in the passenger seat while she takes the drivers seat in my vehicle is humbling. I have absolutely no control, as my car is not equipped with a second steering wheel or brake.  I have to relinquish my power and put myself in the hands of a child.  If that is not a true test of patience, then what is?  As a testament to my improved level of patience, we have gone driving five times in the last week and not one argument.  She has been patient with my barrage of instructions, and I have in turn remained (relatively) calm when she navigates through traffic and the numerous round-a-bouts in Carmel.  She specifically asked me, and me alone, to drive with her after one trip with her father.

Until now, I was convinced that my impatience was just part of my personality and that I would have to accept it. Well, that's just not going to happen. I have made great changes in recent years, why not keep going?  If I know this is a problem then why not fix it?  My life is so much happier and more peaceful if I am being patient and going with the flow.  Life is precious and so damn short.  It seems fitting to slow down, relax and enjoy it.  The more practice in patience I exercise, the calmer and more serene I become.  I can act like a grown up and not my shoe size.

The beauty of being patient with my daughter in our driving lessons is I get to slow down and spend time with her. Learning to drive is something she will always remember, and I want her to look back and remember that she enjoyed the time with me.

My parents used to gently say to me "Michelle, don't anticipate".  They were right.  It may have taken me awhile, but now I understand what they meant. And it's true we never stop learning.

I can't forget the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.  I can't lament relationships I may have hurt with my issues of impatience and control.  I can only go forward from here by putting what I've learned into action.

Peace out,
xoxo