Tuesday, July 16, 2013

When Fear Returns

I started this blog a year ago in order to share my experiences and face my fears. Fear is what holds me back from a happy, joyous and free life. I know this, but sometimes I forget and slip back into old behavior patters. In my reality, to let go and live life to it's fullest is my ultimate goal. With that, anything is possible.

Does it come down to simply putting the puzzle pieces together?  Fill in the gaps by facing obstacles? Or is it deeper than that?

Recently, I have noticed my defense mode has been on overdrive and I have not been my true self. I've been arguing my points to death. Even compartmentalizing. This revelation was eye opening. It seems I have allowed fear to creep back in. I have become complacent, and fear has gotten hold of me again.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes me to quickly pull away and usually hide.  It is a basic survival mechanism. Fear is basically the trait that causes the urge to confront or flee.  Sink or swim.  Kill or be killed (figuratively speaking).  It's my go-to character defect that pops up from time to time. A skill (for lack of a better word) I have used my entire life to cope with what can be my skewed perception of reality.

Can I learn from my mistakes?  Yes I can. I cannot go back and erase, but I can move forward and make amends by my future actions.

From early childhood fear has held me in it's grips. I was a shy child, who worried endlessly. A quiet teenager who avoided social engagements.  In college I became a rebellious, wild girl wearing a mask of defiance. Later I approached adulthood by falsely shielding myself by isolating for so many years. Pretending that everything was perfect.  Slowly dying.

In recent years, I've made great changes.  I've written about this in the past.  It all stems from facing fear.  This will apparently always be something that I will have to be diligent about.  Not allowing complacency to creep in.

Live happily....joyous and free.

Have I spent so much time focusing on other areas in my life....training, work,  kids, etc. that I've lost focus on myself?  In my experience, if I'm not working on me I am actually working against me.  I need to rein it in.

The beauty of the wisdom I've gained from others is that I can start over at any time.  Fear doesn't have to control me today.

I have the tools to put the puzzle together.  It doesn't matter what it looks like on the outside.  What matters is how functional it is on the inside.  Sometimes life is good when it's not perfect. My imperfections make me who I am.  Ultimately it comes down to my choices on how to handle my imperfections which will allow me to live happily.

This morning was a time for quiet reflection and yoga meditation.  Centering myself and getting into gratitude.

There will be no hiding today. There will be no take no prisoners mentality.  There will be Nimsy in her truest form; herself.

Peace xoxo


  1. " Fear doesn't have to control me today."

    I like that. I can adapt it to cover so many other things as well.

    Good luck with the rest of your life.

  2. A beautiful post. I can completely relate to operating from a place of fear. Love reading about your journey. Those are cool pictures too!

  3. Oh yes, I have to re-center over and over again, which is a good thing. It's not fear for me but finding and remembering truth. It's all part of human-ness and growth. You've done a great job not getting swallowed up, but re-analyzing and getting on top of it again, which is what we all have to do!

  4. The best thing about this, is that you have now recognised what has crept back into your life and you are going to be dealing with it. Fear can be crippling and the quicker you give it the 'boot' the better.
    Everyday is a learning curb, and you've come so far that I'm sure you will not let fear stop you again for a long time. Have a great day Michelle, and give 'fear' a wicked kick from me too.

  5. I have had many times over the past few weeks where I have let fear come back into my life and control my emotions. I think at times it is unavoidable depending on what is happening in your life. Its good to notice it and make an attempt to overcome it rather than letting it overcome you. I am trying to do the same thing at the moment.

  6. I can totally relate to what you're saying - sometimes fear or fear of fear can be crippling. We can't dwell though and say "what if" about the past, but we can say "what if" about the future!

  7. You seem to mix it up well Michelle; a lot of things going on, including enjoying things for your inner self. Seems like a good mix to me.
    Cheers, ic

  8. Michelle, have you read The Happiness Project? I thought of you a few times when I read it because you are always striving to find that deep happiness that dwells in all of us. Check it out if you haven't! :) Great post today. You have nothing to fear!