Monday, October 1, 2012

I've Got a Good Feeling!

I've got a good feeling.... for the first time in over a week.

The turnaround in my health happened today.  I just feel like Michelle again.  And it feels good.  My spirit feels light and happy.  Like it's supposed to.   It's been a week since my accident, and it's been a week of low"lows" and high "highs".  To describe my physical pain and emotional distress would be to liken it to a roller coaster.

When I gave the account of the accident in my post on Wednesday, I had not really grasped the extent of my injuries.  I told myself that by making myself "get back to normal" everything would be all right.  After all, this is how I usually combat illness, by getting up and getting on.  But this wasn't a common cold.  This was more serious.

I had never had a concussion before, so I had no realm of comparison to what I was going through.   The fact that I couldn't remember anything immediately after the accident was frightening.  Then for several hours my recent memory seemed to be a blur.  I could not distinguish reality from fantasy.   My memory came back slowly throughout that first day, but I still didn't seem "right".  I carried on, as if in a haze.  Throughout the several days following the accident, my retentiveness would be fleeting and it was difficult for me to stream a line of thought.

In addition, my emotions were all over the place.  I would be happy and optimistic one moment, then morose the next.  Elated then angry.  Over seemingly insignificant things.  And significant things would send me over the edge.  It seemed I had lost myself.  Lost  control (control....another character flaw I'll get to in another post).

I know I briefly outlined all of this in my recount of the crash on Wednesday.  But, here is where I should have pressed the "Pause Button", and listened to the medical advice given to me.  Stay home.  Rest.  Heal.  You have a brain injury...chill out.  But I didn't......I'm stubborn and as I've mentioned, somewhat impatient.  As usual, these personality traits would get me in trouble yet again.

Two days after the accident (Monday) I had driven to a meeting.  I didn't include this in my previous post.  My appearance was startling, as the left side of my face was amass with road rash, and a large purple goose egg bruise peaked out beneath a bandage on my temple.  I looked awful!  However, it was important to me to return to work and my scheduled events and I'd put my ego aside in the effort to force normalcy.   But on this day, upon getting home from my meeting, I was rewarded with a splitting headache and vertigo.  And friends that I'd seen that day were extremely worried.   I piggy-backed Tylenol and Advil to try to fight the pain.

The next two days I attempted to force myself to feel better by staying somewhat busy.  I was productive, and my emotions seemed to be calming.  This gave me false hope that I was on the mend.  I pretended my head didn't hurt and that I wasn't nauseous.

Thursday, five days after my accident, I had an appointment with my primary care physician to remove the sutures and have a follow-up check of my wounds and concussion.  I felt pretty good in the morning, and drove to the doctor.  This is where vertigo returned, headache returned and I was back to feeling as I did just after my accident.

Here is where idiocy came into play.  I blogged that evening, and it should have been apparent that there was a problem, because it took me over two hours to write a post which typically would have taken and hour or less.  My brain just didn't seem to cooperate with me.  Concentration eluded me.  Nonetheless, I was determined to finish and stayed up way too late, which resulted in a blinding headache and more vertigo as I rolled over in bed to turn out the light.

It finally hit me that I had to slow the f*%# down and rest.  This was serious business.    I finally pushed the "Pause Button".

Rest I did.   I let others help me.  I slept late on Friday, took care of myself and rested.  I got some work done, but did it in bed.  I wrote the old fashioned way and used a pen and paper.  I did not watch TV, did not get on my computer or iPad.  (I did use my phone....I just couldn't help it!!  Just being honest).  Saturday I rested all day.   I actually enjoyed it!   We canceled plans for Saturday night and stayed home.

This morning I felt much better.  We went to a football game in the afternoon, where I chatted with friends I haven't seen in awhile.  Rested before and after.  Didn't drive.  At dinner time it dawned on me that I hadn't had a spell of vertigo or a headache all day or the day before.

I finally feel like myself again.  The fog has cleared.  The craziness that had held me hostage for over a week was gone.  And it feels great!!

I could take the easy way out, and blame my irrational behavior this week on my accident and my head injury.  I'm not going to do that.  I'm taking responsibility that my underlying character traits are the ultimate culprit.  I'm being honest, because putting it out there,  taking it for what it is and owning it is how I'll improve upon it.   These are real parts of me that will continue to pop up if I don't deal with them head on.  And I don't want that.

I am not willing to risk relationships, opportunities, good health, etc. by sweeping my flaws under the rug.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I can't wait!   I am feeling positive that I will make it a good day.

So I've typed this, and checked for typos in 42 minutes.  Not going back and amending anything, because it is what it is.

1 comment:

  1. Michelle, hitting that “pause” button is so hard sometimes I know. All you want to do is get back to your normal routine. Excellent that you’ve got that “good feeling” again. I’ve had concussions in the past, twice in fact, so I know how frightening it can be. Keep resting! Yes, tomorrow is a new day. :)