I Can Only Do What I Can Do

I have started this post about a hundred times.  It has been in several draft forms for almost two months.  I can hazard a guess as to what has been holding me back....fear.    Dreaded fear...it keeps popping up.  If I start to write about what's hurting me and then put it out there....well then I'm not holding onto it and it's no longer mine.  It's out, and I've turned it over.   Yet, isn't that a good thing?   Yes (I love answering my own questions!)  Holding on to detrimental things is dangerous, as they fester and grow.  Their power over me gets to be too much to handle.  I have not been following my own advice, have I?  Time does not heal all wounds unless I release the power of the wound itself.

I can only do what I can do.

There have been some losses in recent months.  Friendship.  It hurts.   A few dear relationships have either changed or have been lost during the past year.  There is resentment, sadness, frustration and a feeling of utter loss.  I refuse to play the victim, but the feeling of helplessness has been paramount.  I felt I had no control of the outcome.  The one I'm focusing this post on occurred just before the holidays.  I kept telling myself "it will be all right.  Just give it time.  Now should be a joyful time.  I'll deal with it eventually..."  But the truth of the matter was I was letting my hurt maturate rather than dealing with it.   The hurt was actually increasing.  Today I am not willing to give the pain any more free space in my head or my heart.  I need to give it up.  The only way to do that is to face it.

I don't want to go into too much detail, because the people are still in my life.  So I will speak generally.    Right now I'll talk about one loss in particular.  The rest I'll address in a later post (promise), when the time is appropriate.   Writing about the changes will come later, but I will be facing the feelings now.

In September a close friend and I ended our relationship.  We had been friends for several years, and truth be told shared everything with each other.  She was my best friend from the instant we met each other until the end.  We had bonded immediately, shared similar values, interests, hobbies and our lives seemed to have followed the same path.  We talked all day every day.  I loved her very much.  In recent months, our relationship had taken a turn.  I can only ascertain that the relationship had run it's course.  I can't put my finger on the exact time my eyes opened to that fact, but one day I just realized that we were no longer good for each other.  It was a very painful decision.  I think we both realized it at the same time.  When the friendship ended there was a huge hole in my heart.  I still miss her very much.

In writing about it, it is apparent that I truly haven't been ready to talk about it until now.  I have to do some further reflection as to why that is.  It goes beyond fear, and goes to my character flaws.  Pride.  I haven't really talked about this loss because it would mean I would have to look at my part in the failed friendship.  It's not in our human nature to look inward to see what we might have done wrong.  But I am doing so now.  I know I am not perfect.

Upon reflection, I realize that I was not being 100% honest in the relationship.  I was always just going along, smoothing things over and not really being true to myself.  Often times during the relationship, if something uncomfortable would arise I would find myself just wanting to make everything ok.  And really, is that realistic?  Is that genuine?  Honest?  Hell no it isn't.  And that's not the way I want to be today.   How can a friendship flourish if it is based on anything other than brutal honesty?  Without two people being real with each other, it simply can't.

As painful as this has been, it has also been eye-opening.  Once more I am learning the hard way how important it is to be true, genuine and honest ALL of the time.  Once more a painful occurrence in life can be opportunity for growth.

Hard knocks will come.  At any given moment our lives could change.  Further reminder for me to live each day as if it's my last.  If I am truly going to do that, it would be nonsensical to hold on to the bad stuff.  As today comes to a close, I am going to examine my day.  Was I kind?  Was I honest?  Did I live today to it's fullest?   If I came up short in any of these areas I must promptly rectify.  This is how I want to live every day.

I could go into much more detail, but I think you get the gist of it.   I feel better.  Thank you for listening!

In closing, I am just going to say that I am blessed with many wonderful friends.  Sometimes when a door is closed, numerous windows open.  I am open to let in new experiences and opportunities.  I am also in gratitude for the time I spent with a wonderful friend, and I hope she is well.

Now off to sleep.....see you soon.

Peace,
Michelle