All I want for Christmas

It's Christmas time.  A time filled with memories, traditions and good cheer.  It always brings out the child in me.  My thoughts are filled with giving and entertaining.  Like most of us, I have a long list of what I would like from Santa.  Things that I deem wonderful and that I project will make me happy.  Most of the items are triathlon related.  I am in the beginning stages of training for 2013, as are my triathlon buddies so it's forefront on my mind.  I am dreaming all things triathlon.  And of a white Christmas!

My list consists of a new bike (hey, it's worth a try), new cycling shoes, new triathlon clothes and stocking stuffer goodies.   Not very girly items (although the cycling shoes I'm lusting after are pink).  It's funny, because I used to long for shoes, lingerie, purses, jewelry and the like.   (Truth be told I do still love all of that as well, but my priorities have shifted.)

But it's all material.  Stuff.  Items that are fantastic, don't get me wrong, but none of which would insure my ultimate happiness.

When it comes right down to it, the only gift I really want for Christmas comes from within.  I have been letting fear hold me back for so long, I'm finding it really hard to lose those shackles.  I'm taking it one step at a time and am making progress.  But sometimes I seem to back pedal.

Maybe it's the holiday season.  Could be the weather.  It could be the recent occurrences in my life which I'm procrastinating writing about (yet continue to elude to).  Sorry about that by the way.  I'm just not there yet.  Or it could just be the simple fact that I am again reminded that I am not exactly where I want to be in life.  I am also reminded that my intended purpose in writing this blog is to grow.  To share that growth with you, because saying it out loud sometimes makes all the difference.  Sharing what's going on with me out loud means I'm not holding it inside.  Honestly, I really believe that's what has held me back and kept me stagnant.  Keeping things inside out of fear, and holding on to them.  Not facing them and letting go.   Furthermore, not moving forward.

So, that being said what do I really want for Christmas?  Strength and courage.  Peace within me, the peace that comes from knowing I am human and I will make mistakes but also in knowing that I can learn from them.  Having the courage to take risks.  To not be a doormat.   To ask for what I need.  To not let it set me back if things don't go my way, or according to a plan.  To be flexible.  To not be afraid.  To move forward with grace.  To be patient.  All of this is attainable, and really it's all up to me.   I can only ask for willingness.

In saying this, I see there is value to being where I am right now.  On the fringe of discovery.  There is power in knowing my weaknesses and also in knowing that I really do have the courage to face them.  I'm not running today.  Not backwards anyway, but poised as I set my mark on the future.

As usual I've learned a great deal by opening up and writing this out.  Instead of writing a material list.  And it feels good.  Material possessions, especially new fancy (faster) ones, are very fun and we know that we all want them.  They do bring something to the table.  They can bring joy.

But ultimately, happiness doesn't come from stuff.  It's so much deeper than that.

I hope the next few weeks of 2012 bring you happiness!  It's a great time of year to focus on what we are grateful for.  And I really am so grateful.

Peace,
M