By Friday, when I hadn't received a phone call I called the office and spoke to the surgeon's assistant. I learned the results from the pathology had come back and the pathologist and the surgeon agreed it needed to be sent to The Mayo Clinic for further evaluation. I'm not going to lie. It was like a kick to the stomach. Not what a parent wants to hear. I felt panic rise like heat from within.
But then a strange thing happened which surprised even me. I was able to pacify myself and did not fall apart. This is quite a revelation as in the past I have been known to fall apart at the slightest provocation. But today I am stronger. I find that I am able to take things as they come. I've finally been able to adopt the attitude of "why worry before I know something concrete". Today I deal in facts and not "Oh my gosh, what if?"s. This means freedom, as worry is nothing but a burden. I put the unknown in God's hands.
This morning we heard from the doctor and were told the tumor was completely benign. Even though I hadn't been a worried mess, a huge sensation of relief washed over me. Only then did I allow myself to feel the gravity of the situation. And then I let it go. It was replaced by sheer joy that my baby was completely fine.
It feels pretty damn good to have faced a seemingly earth shattering event at face value. I put facts around it. And, unlike my former self, instead of focusing on the possible gloomy outcome I focused instead on being positive. The surgeon believed from the moment we met with him that it appeared benign. In my mind I acted "as if". In my heart the tumor was benign. And I set my intention to that unless I was told differently.
What will be will be.
Taking this stance allowed me to be a calming influence on my daughter instead of a basket case. She didn't need a frazzled mom. She needed a mom to tell her everything was going to be alright. So I believed it was all going to be alright and that's what I conveyed to her. She believed.
Hand in hand our family walked gracefully through this event. And through it all we grew. I saw her brother show genuine love and caring for his sister. None of the usual sibling bickering occurred. And her Dad softened. Patience was the emotion du jour. Love was abound and we all rallied together.
My daughter is pretty amazing. And pretty healthy. And we are all extremely grateful.
She returns to work tomorrow morning. 6:00am. Guess who's driving her there?! I'm trying to get into gratitude about that and my 5:30am wake up call. I suppose this is my cue to say goodnight.