I'm soaking in a tub full of bubbles. I sink into the bath luxuriously, the piping hot water relaxing my sore muscles, while the titillating scents of honey and peonies tickle my nostrils. Gentle music plays from the bedroom and I close my eyes in reflection, happy to indulge in my solitude. My dog wanders into the room, momentarily interrupting my thoughts with his nails tapping the hardwood. He plops down next to the tub and stares at me, attempting to unnerve me with his soft, brown eyes. He is most likely willing me to rise and give him his dinner. I laugh out loud and whisper "not right now Frank". As if in understanding he saunters into the bedroom and jumps onto my bed, assuming his usual position.
It has been a chaotic week, filled with peaks and valleys. A busy time, a joyous time, a stressful time. At the moment it all seems to disappear into the steam of the room. I feel peaceful. Spiritual.
I noticed a change in myself this week. A sense of calm amidst swirling emotions of life. Things that had been muddled became clear. Stress that would have driven me mad with worry seemed to actually calm me. Strange, but clarity was mine. Some might say it was a spiritual awakening. I would have to say, I agree.
I consider myself a very spiritual being. The hellish torment of my past has led me to this point. I frankly do not think I would be alive today if left to my own devices. I was a skeptic, however spirituality found me at my lowest point. Everything changed.
We are in the midst of a health scare with my daughter. She has had recurring pain in her knee for a couple of years. In 2010, an orthopedic physician ran some tests and a small fragment was found in her knee. Minuscule, possibly a calcification. Physical therapy was prescribed. In recent months the pain has returned and it has significantly worsened. On Monday we returned to the doctor, where test results revealed that the small lump in her leg had grown into a much larger "tumor". The doctor recommended I take her to a tumor specialist, and made a referral. My mind immediately went to the "what if's". I was very concerned. Then, as we walked out of the doctor's office, something unusual happened. I suddenly had a sense that everything would be alright. My daughter was panicked, but I calmly guided her and reassured her that we would handle this. I held her hand and told her I was going to do whatever I could to be there for her, help her and love her. And I felt a sense of peace. Through my reaction, my daughter was soothed. A couple of days later we saw the specialist, who relayed to us that in his vast experience with similar tumors he was very convinced it was benign. She will undergo surgery and the mass will be biopsied. The doctor was confident and full of composure and my daughter was put at ease.
Since childhood I've been a worrier. Today I am not worried. Negative emotions do not have a place in my life right now. I glance across the room and peer at my reflection in the large wall mirror. The candlelight illuminates a face that is soft and not fraught with worry. I smile at my reflection, and like what I see. This is a spiritual experience. A new beginning.
The water cools, the bubbles have disappeared. I emerge from the bath tub feeling rejuvenated. Ready for the weekend. Quality time. I plan to make the most out of every second. No mountains, no races...just time with family.
Happy Mothers' Day!